Heather Has Two Mommies...

...and the three of them go to the Zoo Rainforest Education Center together

"How come you are so mean, mommy?" Heather asked.

"Don't say 'mean', Heather; I prefer 'aggression-enhanced.'" Crystal corrected. "It is probably because I used to be a man's girlfriend, er... unpaid sex worker. Actually, the best term to use is probably acquaintance rape survivor."

"How come that man next to us has such a big lens," Heather asked. "Is he sexually inadequate?"

"Remember not to be judgmental, Heather," Crystal replied. "Just because a white oppressor has a lens that costs and weighs more than a used car, that doesn't mean he is performance-challenged."

"That polar bear is really lazy, Mommy."

"Just as all lifestyles and all people are equally good, so are all animals. Try to put aside the shackles of the phallocentric Dead White European Male indoctrination that you get in school. The bear might just be a tad energetically-challenged. You haven't seen him in his other moods.. Maybe he just finished reading a long book."

"Bears are illiterate!" Heather insisted.

Crystal slapped physically encouraged her. "Don't use that word. He might be alternatively schooled. He's not an ignoramus, just a knowledge-base nonpossessor."

"'Illiterate', 'alternatively schooled', whatever. He has body odor," Heather sniffed.

"That's only nondiscretionary fragrance."

"Of course not dear. They don't have any worms here," Crystal responded, "but here's an exhibit comparing the aesthetic qualities of the flamingo and the average MIT student. Can you even tell which is which?"

"Isn't the MIT student the one lying on the rock picking his nose?" Heather answered.

"Very good, darling. Now I'm sure you see that the world isn't quite as black & white (African-American & genetically oppressive) as the Republicans would have you believe."

"No!"

"How about spotted?"

"No!"

"What about the world's second-fastest land animal?"

"I don't want any cat. Want a doggy," Heather insisted.

"Why, Heather! Didn't we teach you that dogs are the traditional pet of the oppressive white male establishment? You just need a little kitten with a good appetite that will grow up to be big and strong."

"I want a pet with more than a 2-volt brain," Heather wailed. "Besides, cats are mean killers who wait for cute little birds."

"I don't even understand why God created cats," Heather continued.

"Created? Where did you learn that," Crystal scowled.

"In my public school!"

"Don't you know that Creationism shouldn't be taught in public school?" Crystal asked.

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't scientifically proven, like everything else you are learning, e.g., "poor people are stupid, which is why they are poor; rich people are smart," "you will die if you smoke marijuana," "Internet is 80% pornography," "war is bad because it hurts people," "universities are ivory towers of intellectual inquiry," "the government is your friend," "tax increases [revenue enhancements] are good because they help teachers," "Bill Clinton is a great humanitarian."

"But I don't believe in evolution!" Heather insisted.

"Why not?" her mommy asked. "Didn't I introduce you to those nice MIT graduate students who explained it to you."

"They said we evolved from apes, but just looking at them, I could tell the process was far from complete."

"What's a looksist?"

"Someone who believes that people look different," Crystal explained. "Take this rhino and cougar for example. One might look more wrinkled (differently smooth) than the other to your untutored eye, but after statistical species norming methods are employed they are just the same."

"What else can you do with statistical species norming methods?" Heather wondered.

"Oh, many, many things my dear..."

"You can show that these two quadrupeds are equally good with children..."

"... or that these two are the same weight."

Thank you for visiting the zoo wildlife preservation center.

Other Internet sources of Political Correctness

• Canadian PC Primer
• Little Red Riding Hood, updated for the 1990's.
• A Modern Carmen
• If you don't think you are up to date on PC vocabulary yet, check out random PC stories from the Internet.
• If you are worried that your writings may include some inappropriate language, the U.S. Air Force has prepared a helpful list of offensive terms for you.
• The Twelve Days of Christmas Deconstructed

Gentle Suggestions

• Travels with Samantha, -- "some stories are so fabulous that even Best of the Web 94 is inadequate" -- author's mother [Chapters IV and X contain photographs of animals in the wild.]
• New York Gay Parade (1995)
• Costa Rica with over 100 animal photographs from the wild.

I was disappointed to see Stallman's solicitations for People for the American Way (an ex-staffer of which recently admitted that their annual "censored books" report is full of faked numbers), the ACLU (which is a great organization for Internet freedom concerns but is [to put it politely] misguided in some other areas), and Planned Parenthood (don't get me started). I have long marvelled at how predictable people's political positions on unrelated issues can be and can only explain it by supposing that most people come to hold most of their positions for social reasons (with both "mosts" being rather strong ones, just weaker than "almost all").

I like RMS very much personally and strongly respect and agree with what he does. Because I respect him so much as an original thinker I was particularly sad to see that his view of the cultural battle around such issues as alternative lifestyles and "political correctness" was so cliched (though not particularly surprised). If he would stop relating everything to "right-wing vs. left-wing" (or, more likely in his case, "right-wing vs. right") he would realize that the "religious right" is occasionally in the right on certain issues (even if they are right for the wrong reasons). It is this herd-like approach that has led the Democratic Party, for example, into its disastrously rigid position on abortion.

It may be that Stallman has reached his views on censorship, recognition of alternative lifestyles, and abortion independently, but the path by which he went from commenting on "Heather" to endorsing Planned Parenthood seemed very well-worn, and liberal pro-lifers like Nat Hentoff and former Penn. Gov. Bob Casey never seem to be able to get the point across that liberal positions on almost everything else don't logically preclude opposing abortion (let alone the more important point that abortion is wrong!).

For the record, I am against censorship (but don't regard the cutting of government funding as "censorship"), in favor of tolerance for alternative lifestyles (but against legally equating gay marriage with the usual kind), and against abortion.

-- Joe

-- Joe Shipman, February 3, 1997

After reaading some of the other comments by those seeking to macerate American society, we wonder just how much garbage the labile minds of our children should be forced to confront. Heather may indeed have two moms but, Susie and Josh may not and there is no reasonable motivation for exposing them to it. Our children will certainly vomit at some point, is that any reason to teach them about vomit every day and show them pictures of it. Like vomitting political correctness is a symptom of impending sickness.

-- D.J.Bessette --, May 2, 1997

I personally don't find the 'Heather has two mommies' book offensive either. However, that doesn't mean that I find a parody of the book offensive. I didn't think that the parody, in this case, was the main point. In other words, was the author making fun of the book, or was she making fun of the PC attitude using it as a backdrop. I get the impression that it was the latter.

Regardless, I found the whole thing funny, and people who found it offensive are most likely being way too anal...er...sphincter-relaxation-challanged. :)

It's also nice to see that we MIT people can be entertaining!

-- Terry D. Johnson, November 12, 1997

It would have been funnier if your photos were better. Overall it was a yawn. Including the predictable reactions you stirred up. I actually went to your photo pages and appreciate the web info you provide, but for all your pontificating and copyright woes, your pictures were very disappointing. Poorly composed, snapshotty and directionless; hardly seemed worth the trouble you go to to make them available, or the "horse's ass" page you created (thought I sympathize with you). I have learned from your web experience and I thank you. But do you have something against the "svelte-challenged" folks among us? You seem to be using that camera as a weapon and then fleeing the scene to me.

I enjoyed your piece on George and the web hints. The "Two Mommies" thing sounded like an angry white guy with too much time on his hands, who coincidentally went to the zoo and took some snapshots and is hiding behind his sense of humor as an excuse. But I've never met you, so I won't judge.

That, too, is my right as an American. Along with having (or not having) an opinion about political correctness, homosexuality, or your really lame photographs.

-- anonymous anonymous, February 13, 1998

First - as a Vet student, I enjoyed the pictures (having accidently arrived while looking for a wallabie), second as a potential 'second mommy' I still have enough of a sense of humour to appreciate the satire of the page: well done. Third, as a graduate of the Claremont Colleges (even the initials were 'PC') I got such a dose of political correctness at school that I appreciate any well pointed jabs at the culture. Well done!

-- Erica Coleman, February 19, 1998

This is a pathetic attempt at getting a laugh. As has been pointed out by many respondents, your "parody" has nothing to do with the original book, Heather Has Two Mommies. And it exposes the infuriating leaps of "logic" morons like you tend to make (ie "Gee, this is a book about lesbian mothers, so it must be about not being judgmental and having names like Crystal Wolfrunner and being sappy and whiny). How original and oh-so-funny. I especially like the way you masterfully worked euphemisms into almost every sentence, occasionally crossing out the words they're meant to replace, in case we're too dull to get your high-brow, subtle humour. What a hoot! Perhaps if you removed your head from your ass and your eye from your viewfinder for a mere two minutes, you'd realize that there are a large number of lesbian mothers and gay fathers out there. And books like these provide a valuable service, not only to gay families but to society in general. We absolutely have to stop the ignorance, fear, and stupidity that surrounds being gay. Real people suffer violence and discrimination every day because of it, and stupid drivel like yours does nothing to help the situation. Perhaps your time would be better spent branching out and learning more about people who are different from you, rather than trying to be funny at the expense of others, since this is an endeavour for which you clearly have no talent.

Also, where the hell does the term "alternative lifestyle" come from? Being gay is not a "lifestyle". In case you don't have access to a dictionary, a lifestyle is "the typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture". There's no more a gay lifestyle than there is a straight one. If you knew more than one gay person, this blatant fact would probably become apparent (unless you are a half-wit asshole, which unfortunately seems to be the lot of a number of Americans, including the one who created this page). A lifestyle is something like going yachting on the weekend, collecting art, drinking beer and watching football every Sunday, etc. And "alternative"? Alternative to what, may I ask? This is the most meaningless, stupid phrase I have heard in a while.

-- Josh Powers, March 12, 1999

I find your site a very Biting commentary that strikes at the very heart and agenda of PC...the comments, consternations, and confabulations. you are motivating amoungst your "Liberal" viewers.. should only motivate you to new "Heights" of non PC "Depravity".... I love it!

-- M_Greenfire@hotmail.com

-- Mike Greenfire, April 15, 1999

I should only hope that more people are able to see the absurd truths which this page does point out. It occurs far too often particularly in colleges around the country. Better to make everyone feel good about themselves than deal with facts. It's beyond ridiculous. As a general comment about society today though, is if a man (oh look, how terrible, someone using a male name as a generic for the rest of humanity, *GASP*) believes that everyone ought to be more sensitive, sometimes, the truth, you know that thing you are trying to bend and reshape to fit your own views... yeah that.... oh, sorry judgemental again... well, sometimes the truth just hurts, doesn't it? Deal with it. =) God bless all. (Oh, that would be that Judeo-Christian God with the big G, you remember, the one they refer to on American currency, the one they pray to at the opening of every session of Congress, and the one whose Bible you swear your ever living soul against, every time you are sworn in. It's a rough life.)

-- Aaron D'Souza, May 15, 1999

This is funny...and all too true. The world is full of pc people that are so ignorant that they don't even understand how they are promoting their ignorant thought in the world. AKA STUPID

-- Joe Momma, December 5, 1999

This is pretty clever. Are you Jewish? Just wondering.

-- David Weintraub, March 24, 2000

What a great story. Of course it seemed to upset a couple of people. Too bad Josh could not understand this. I am a married father with 3 children. I have gay friends. The reason I get along with these people is because of the way they act. We may not sit on the same political fence, but this is America and we are allowed our own views, without being considered a bigot. I am not gay. I don't intend to ever by gay. Most of society doesn't have a problem with gay people. Of course there will always be those who do. Deal with it. There are just as many people in this society that have a bad view of the white male. I don't mind someone who is gay, I am just sick of being told how they need to be given special rights. If you want to be more accepted, simply do as everyone else does. Live your life without asking everyone to understand you and accept you. My gay friends don't ever tell how hard they have it. They are gay. Some things in life go along with it. Just like being a white male means you are perceived as a bigot against African Americans and homosexuals. Anyone that really knows me, knows the kind of person I am. Of course, being a conservative, pro-life, white male, I wouldn't expect Josh to understand this.

-- Bob Shell, September 27, 2000

Poor Josh.

It sounds like he's full of hate.

The author sounds a lot like me. Fed up with PC. I don't think it would have mattered if the author had used black or gay or female, all of those groups have members who demand more attention for being what they are. (as a female, I am ashamed of those in my membership who do...) I say, GET OVER IT, Josh. Live your life. Quit trying to cash in on the affirmative action feed bag. Read the story for what it is and quit getting hung up on one minute detail. I for one am sick to death of having to get bitchy/anger enhanced with folks like you. :)

-- Tammy B, April 24, 2001

The article does a wonderful job of pointing out how absurd the "PC" world has become. You didn't have to stretch things too far from reality unfortunately. If there are any mis-spellings in this pardon me, I am alphabetically-challenged.

Josh Powers: I know you don't understand this now, but the disintegration of the family unit will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. At the core of the family unit is a father and mother. Any other varation of this is an abomination in the eyes of god. I am sure you will simply dismiss me as a relegious zealot, but one day you WILL understand.

-Ryan Sherwood

-- joe smith, September 14, 2001

I read Josh Power’s comment. In a moment of overwhelming sympathy and empathy, too I wrote the follwiing. I felt compelled to share it with all of you. _______________________________________________________________________________________ “saw your posting on “heather has two mommies” and I am purposely writing wihtout puntucation or capitaols or spell check so you can feel superior to me when i say you suck

there should be an explanation point (!!!) after that last word...

get a life and a real job and move on.

or come see me... i can teach you to hunt squirrels and cook good things from road kill.

oh by the way you suck.

“there i said it again”

charlie.

-- Charlie Cooper, December 24, 2001

Charlie Cooper for President! I'm sorry. I can't think of a way anyone could be offended by that statement (except Josh Powers, maybe), but I'm sure someone will be able to come up with something, so I am appologizing in advance Hm...that may have been a bit more PC than I intended... Anyway, I have to say that this site is wonderful, and anyone who takes it seriously should be taken out and shot, or otherwise and in more "humane" (or humone or humyn?) manners be put out of their misery. One shouldn't go through life arguing, but stop to smell some damn roses once in a while. Or is that figure of speech too specifically-oriented to one culture for your preferences?

-- Natasya Filippovna, April 16, 2002

Funny. I also look forward to the sequel: Billy Has Two Daddies, And a Sore Ass

-- Biff Malibu, May 13, 2002